It will be six weeks tomorrow since my mum died and I'm feeling worse and worse every day. Some guides tell you there are five stages to grief, some say seven and some say twelve. Whatever, I'm working my way through those stages in text book fashion and I'm now at the Depression, Loneliness and Reflection stage. It's hard going, I can tell you. I had a really bad weekend after A Final Goodbye and my dad did too, that makes it doubly hard for me. I know what he's going through because I'm going through it too, but there's nothing whatsoever that I can do to make things easier, it's just a matter of time for us both before we get to the acceptance stage, how long this will take I've no idea and it could be different for us both.
As I've said before, my mum was suffering from dementia in the last few years of her life and in some ways I thought I was prepared for her death, but I really wasn't. Even after she died I thought I'd got a handle on things, everyone was telling me how well I was taking it, and I believed them. That's just one of the first stages of grief though, denial. This doesn't mean that you deny your loved one has died, it just means that you deny your emotions. I didn't realise that's what I was doing but I obviously was. I'm at the stage now where I just can't keep my emotions in check, it's weird to be walking round a supermarket and burst into tears but I just can't help it. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life as I'm doing at the moment and I want to stop, I really do, but I just can't, it's terrible. Loneliness is another thing I'm feeling. I've got a close and loving family but I feel so lonely, I know it's because my lovely mum is missing from my life but I just can't shake off this feeling.
Anyway, I think the best thing for me at the moment is to try and get on with life and that's why I'm still blogging through this sad time. I don't think I've ever shared my feelings so much in the past and I realise that these recent posts are quite personal, but please don't feel you have to comment, I'm certainly not writing how I'm feeling for sympathy but it's quite cathartic in a way.
Thank you to everyone who entered my giveaway to win Casting Off by P I Paris.
I pulled a name out of the hat this morning and the winner is Debbie from Fairy Bluebell's Craft Adventure. Can you please let me have your name and address details so that I can get the book sent out to you. You can find my email address by clicking on my name at the top of the sidebar.
I wish I had more than one copy of this book to give away as there were quite a few entries, but as I said before, I can thoroughly recommend it so if you fancy having a read why not see if there's a copy in your local library?
Thanks again to everyone for entering.
We are never ready to let people we love go, but it does settle eventually, though some things can bring a lump to your throat many years later, as you know with my father. Now, guess what? My copy of the book from the library is already in my hands & I've started reading & am loving it. So much for the old lady who doesn't read much (giggle). Big huggles & take care.
ReplyDeleteI'm so pleased that you're enjoying the book, I thought it was a good story and it has a bit of everything in in.
DeleteI guess the grief and acceptance process is different for everybody. Thank you for telling us how it's affecting you, it's helpful to know. I know my family is going to have to go through this process too, probably sooner rather than later. It's good to know that all emotions and stages are entirely normal. I hope you and your Dad reach the acceptance stage in the not too distant future.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone deals with the loss of a loved one in different ways, there's no right or wrong but there's various stages which can be recognised. It's very hard to see our parents age, especially when they're not in the best of health, my heart goes out to you but know that you're not alone, there's a lot of us in the same boat and I hope you get as much support from friends here in Blogland as I'm getting xx
DeleteIt must be so hard for you right now, Jo but just to say I admire how you are recognising your grief and allowing it to take it's course. Take strength in your family. X
ReplyDeleteI think once you've gone through bereavement, especially with someone close, you know that the old saying, "Time is a great healer" is very true. You never get over the loss but time makes it bearable and that's comforting to know, especially when you can recognise this in the early stages of grief.
DeleteJo I am sobbing as I am reading this knowing that I am so close to going through this myself. I feel as if I am prepared for my sweet Dads inevitable death but there is still a part of me that wants a miracle. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are in right now. I am praying that indeed TIME will be the great healer and you will be at peace. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you're feeling as I've been through the ordeal of preparing myself for my parents' deaths and waiting for that miracle to happen. It's really terrible seeing our parents suffering ill health and knowing that they're getting older. You're in my thoughts and I do hope your dad gets his miracle xx
DeleteIt's so hard to accept when someone you love dies. My mum died 8 years ago on the 20th May and I still expect to see her sitting in her arm chair whenever I go round to Dad's. I miss her so much, but my faith in the resurrection gives me comfort, hope and strength. Share your feelings and accept the love and support offered by friends and family, both close to you and here in blogland. Love and best, Jane x
ReplyDeleteIt's just awful at the moment going round to my dad's and expecting my mum to be there, it takes me by surprise time and time again that she's not sitting there on the sofa when I go in. I'm glad that your faith has given you some comfort, it would be lovely to think we'll see our loved ones again.
DeleteOh Jo, I'm so sorry you are so sad, but really six weeks is not so long to be grieving and missing someone who has been there for all your life. I think it's good that you can write it down and share it here, it will help.
ReplyDeleteI hope Debbie enjoys the book. I have it on my Kindle and read it a while ago.
Take care of yourself xx
I know it's very early days and I'm sure my grief will take many different forms before I'm done. I think writing things down really does help. I hope you enjoyed the book when you read it.
DeleteI lost my mum nearly 30 years ago now and we didn't have a particularly good relationship. I think that's what affected me more that fact that once she had gone there was no way back to putting things right between us. Grief takes its toll but a the same time you just have to take it as it comes and it sounds like you're doing exactly that including talking about your grief whether it be here in blogland or with family and friends in the real world.
ReplyDeleteMitzi
I'm always really sad when I hear of someone not having a good relationship with their mum, I can understand your feelings on that score, being unable to rectify things between the two of you after she'd gone. I'm just trying to go with the flow where my grief is concerned, I think understanding all the different emotions and knowing that there'll be up days and down days helps.
DeleteI lost my Mum in 2004, it was hard for ages and even now I see something and think "I must tell Mum about that". The only thing that I can say is that the pain does ease, I miss her every day but not in that knife searing pain ridden way. Have your weeps, tears are natural and just carry on as you have been. I am sure that we are all thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean because that's how I feel about my sister, it's been nearly twenty years since she died but I still think about her every day and the grief is still sometimes overwhelming but manageable. I think this is what's helping me cope with my mum's death, I know that in time I'll be able to deal with it so it's a case of just going with the flow at the moment.
DeleteI'm not going to try and comment on your bereavement except to say I am so sorry. You will find a way through eventually. Have a (((hug))).
ReplyDeleteWhat I want to say is that your original post inspired me to get the book on my kindle. I'm not the world's greatest reader of fiction but I think I will enjoy this one.
Thank you. I do hope you enjoy the book, I think it's got something for everyone, I really liked the characters and it's a happy story as well as a sad one. Please let me know what you think of it.
DeleteI know exactly what you're going through. Dementia is a horrible disease and the person who is left is not the person that once was. I've seen a lot of it in my own family, I expected my dad to go that way as his dad had it, his grandma, his brother and his sister had it, so it came as a shock when my mum got it rather than my dad. My dad looked after my mum so well, if he'd gone first there's no way my mum would have been able to live at home and she really didn't want to have to go in a home, so it's a blessing that we didn't have to make that decision. It's hard to know that they realise some of what's going on though, it must be so scary for them and it's very sad for us. I wish you and your family all the very best as you navigate this turbulent journey.
ReplyDeleteAs you say it's all going to take time but we're always here to listen if it helps.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I think writing things down helps enormously, and the comments I've received have helped more than I can say.
DeleteWriting certainly is cathartic.
ReplyDeleteWhen a very good friend of mine died... for months (maybe longer) after I'd find myself crying at the drop of a hat. i just could't help it.
I'm sorry to hear that a friend of yours died, it's such a huge thing to deal with and sometimes you just find yourself crying without even realising it, that's certainly what it's like for me at the moment.
DeleteAhh Thank you so much Jo....what a lovely surprise. Debbie x
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. I hope you enjoy the book, I'll get it sent out to you this week.
DeleteI'm approaching the 2nd anniversary of Mum's death and it is different. The loss is always there but muted somehow. It re appears loudly at times, usually suddenly - I REALLY struggle when I see something which I know she'd love. Just go with the flow Jo - grief is what it is and that's alright. xxx
ReplyDeleteThe saying 'Time is a great healer' is very true. Not that you ever really heal but, as you say, the loss is muted, you learn to live with it. I think the hardest thing is knowing you'll never see your loved one again, there's lots of things I know I'll want to share with my mum but she won't be there for me to do so.
DeleteI hope you do keep blogging... It is said, that writing things down, helps us to deal with them.
ReplyDeleteDo you have any form of Grief Counseling, which you could take advantage of? If so, you would probably have gone to it, though....
Best wishes, through this difficult process. And many gentle hugs...
I've kept a diary on and off throughout my life but I've been jotting things down daily this year and it really does help. I do believe you can get grief counselling but it's still early days and I think it's just a case of getting through each day at the moment.
DeleteI don't think we can ever be truly be prepared for someone to die, even if we know it is going to happen some day and maybe soon. I am really glad that you are able to immerse yourself in your grief and that you don't try to hold your emotions back. It is so important to allow yourself to be sad, upset, angry, tearful.... Thinking of you xx
ReplyDeleteI agree, no matter how much we prepare ourselves, it's still quite shocking and we realise that we weren't ready at all. My grief this time is quite different to when my sister died, I had two very young children at that time and I think you have to carry on with day to day life in that situation. I don't think I ever really grieved for her properly and her death still affects me terribly. This time I'm able to allow myself to grieve more, I don't think it does us any good to hold back our emotions so I'm just trying to go with the flow.
DeleteI can empathise with the way you feel at times, and certainly sympathise. It will settle down with time, and getting on with life does help. Take care. xx
ReplyDeleteI think anyone who's lost their mum will be able to put themselves in my shoes at the moment, it's a horrible thing to go through but as you say, it will surely settle down in time. I'm trying to get on with things the best I can, it's definitely my way of coping at the moment.
DeleteIt’s strange what triggers the tears for me I kept everything together when I was with my dad and then burst into tears as soon as I stepped across the threshold at home. When my dad died I just wanted to sit and do nothing or just sleep.
ReplyDeleteI think it's natural to try and hold things together in front of other people, especially those who are grieving too, but wanting to sit and do nothing or sleep is the depression creeping in. I'm definitely like this at times and it's just another stage of grief.
DeleteWe are never truly "prepared" for the passing of a loved one, even if they have been ill for a long time. I think it's the finality of it all the hits us - one minute they are there and the next they are not and you are hit by the fact that you will never see them again. It's so incredibly difficult - and as you know and others have mentioned, time is the only healer. You have to give yourself permission to feel down and upset with no timeline. XOXO
ReplyDeleteYou're right, you can think you've prepared yourself for a loved one dying but you never know the feelings that will surface. Knowing that you'll never see them again is definitely the hardest thing to deal with, along with knowing they won't be there to share in future happenings. It's all so sad.
DeleteWell done to Debbie, I'm sure she will enjoy this book.
ReplyDeleteMy continued thoughts and good wishes as you deal with your grief. I've heard so many people say that writing down your thoughts can be helpful at a time like this.
All the best Jan
I'm finding that writing a daily journal is a great help at the moment, writing down my thoughts really helps me sort through them.
DeleteYou have been a tower of strength to your dad over the recent years in helping him to cope with the pathway that dementia leads us down and I should imagine you stepped up again to be a shoulder for him to lean on in the early days after mum had slipped away. I also think that when you see him you are probably trying hard to be very brave and let him think you are coping well so when you are alone the tears come in floods as you release the pent up tensions you have held. I'm thinking also that being a mum you are coping with your childrens grief and the feelings of loss they are dealing with and trying to help them come to terms too. Healing wishes and lots of love. Have you thought about giving mediataion a try, a little selfish quiet time to breathe and relax and just be.....
ReplyDeleteI think you've got it spot on, I don't like to break down in front of my dad as I know how it feels to be dealing with your own grief without seeing how upset your children are. I've got it from all angles and it does add to the pressure.
DeleteJo, Just a I pressed publish on my post, I saw the spell checker had put mediation and not meditation .... gggrrrr to late to alter it xx
ReplyDeleteI hate it when that happens, I did realise what you meant. I'm definitely taking time for myself at the moment, I think it's doing me good to just go with the flow, especially where my emotions are concerned.
DeleteOh Jo, I'm sending you the tightest virtual hug. It's a terrible time and you just have to let your feeling out, it's best being honest with how you feel. I felt utter coldblooded rage when my sister died....it took 18 months to get past that to the uncontrolable sobbing stage, which then turned to lethargy. Everything was an effort. just take one day at a time and talk about how you feel. Love to you.xxxxx
ReplyDeleteThe range of emotions can be so confusing, one minute you're feeling one thing and then you're feeling something else the next. I know it takes a long time to work through all the stages of grief and even then you never get over losing a loved one, it's such a difficult time.
DeleteYou wrote this a week ago now and I hope that you're feeling a little better. The depression and loneliness stage is perhaps the worst, but it does pass. Don't worry about the tears, they'll help. The days of being able to remember your Mum without it hurting are on their way. Be patient and kind with yourself. We have a tendency to apologise for our emotions, to be angry with ourselves for not 'dealing with it', but grief needs to be be whatever it needs to be. And it will pass.
ReplyDeleteI truly hope you're feeling better, if only a tiny, little bit.
xx
I'm still very up and down, I've had a couple of good days this week and then I came down with a bump again yesterday, but I know this is normal and will last for a long time. I still get those bumps with my sister and she's been gone for nearly twenty years. Grief is a horrible thing.
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