It would have been nice to have Daniel and Eleanor with us but, both of them having just been home, they were unable to make it this time. There were just four of us, me, Mick, my dad and my brother. The weather wasn't as good as we've had it just lately and though it had been raining all morning, at least it held off whilst we were there.
In my Up Days And Down Days post I touched on the fact that I'd received such wonderful comments, cards and emails from my friends here in Blogland, I've been totally overwhelmed to know that many of you have been touched by what I'm going through right now. Not only have I had such lovely comments here on my blog but also replies to comments I've left on many of your own blogs too. I just can't thank you all enough as the kindness and understanding has helped me in a way you'll never know.
My grief continues to escalate. I felt that I coped very well immediately after my mum's death and right up to her funeral, obviously it wasn't all sunshine and roses but I had a grip on things. Even the week after the funeral wasn't too bad, Daniel and Jasmine and Eleanor were still here and my mind was occupied somewhat with them, but once they'd all left and Mick was back to work, that's when it really hit me. I feel as though I have a knot permanently in my chest and it's so hard to keep my emotions in check. Allowing my mind to wander to my mum invariably results in tears, it's just so hard to keep a lid on them.
Looking back, my mum suffered from dementia during the last years of her life and my relationship with her changed dramatically. We were very good friends as well as mother and daughter and we spent a lot of time together, if we didn't see each other for a day we'd be on the phone for an hour catching up. That wasn't so once the dementia took hold, it was very hard to lose the connection we'd once had but it happened slowly and though I missed my mum, even though she was still here, I think it's only now that I'm not only mourning her death but I'm also grieving for the closeness that was missing over this time.
I've been through grief before, my sister died twenty years ago this coming July, and though all those years have now passed I still miss her every single day. I know it will be the same with my mum, I'll never get over losing her, I know the grief will be with me for the rest of my life, I know this heart-wrenching feeling will last for a long time and I know that many more tears will be shed, but I also know that I will eventually be able to look back on all the happy memories I have, memories which are too painful to recall at the moment, and I'll be able to remember the wonderful person she was and all the good times we shared, and those memories will make me smile.