Saying Goodbye

On Tuesday we returned to the crematorium to scatter my dad's ashes. There were just four of us, me and Mick, Eleanor and my brother. We were lucky with the weather, it was a nice day and the sun shone for us.

We have a natural rock stone at the crematorium and though the ashes aren't interred, we've scattered my sister's, my mum's and now my dad's ashes there. There's memorial plaques for my sister and my mum attached to the stone and we're in the process of having one added for my dad. We visit the crematorium often to take flowers, it's so tranquil there in the beautiful grounds whilst we're lost in our thoughts.

I knew that the grieving for my dad wouldn't start properly until the funeral was over, what I didn't really expect was that the grief for my mum would play such a big part too, though thinking it over, I suppose my mum's death was such a short time ago that I'm still grieving for her as well as my dad now. A close family friend told me, in the days after my dad's death, that she had felt so strange after her second parent died, and I'm feeling some of that too. It's such a peculiar feeling, one I can't articulate very well, but, well, I suppose I feel alone. Looking back at times I shared with my parents when I was growing up are my memories alone, there's only me here now to remember them. Even in the short space of time it's been since my dad's death there have been things from the past that I've wanted to know, or wanted some clarification on, and there's no one there now to ask.

We've been clearing out my dad's flat. We can't sell it until probate comes through so there's no rush, we're just doing an hour here and there, that's all we can manage at one time as that throws up so many emotions too. It's terrible walking into an empty home where my parents once lived and remembering them so full of life there. It also feels as though the family has lost its anchor point now.

The memories I have of my parents, and my sister who died twenty one years ago, will never be lost, they'll be with me always. I don't expect my grief to just disappear overnight, it's early days and I'm sure many more tears are yet to fall, but in time I want to be able to remember them all with a smile. We were a happy family, we had wonderful times together and I don't want to look back on them with sadness in my heart, that would be doing them a disservice. I know they'd want me to be happy remembering the good times we shared.