Monday, 4 January 2021

Auntie Beryl

I was hoping that 2021 was going to be a better year after what's turned out to be a very difficult couple of years for me but we've started the year off with more sad news. I got a phone call a couple of days ago from my cousin telling me that my Auntie Beryl had died. She was my mum's elder sister, a particular favourite auntie of mine and my mum and her were always very close.

So here's the weird thing. On New Years Eve I went to bed and dreamt about my mum and my Auntie Beryl. I woke up on New Year's Day with the feeling that my Auntie Beryl had died. It wasn't until the following day that my cousin rang and told me she'd died before the new year.

This photo is of my mum and her five sisters. My mum is second on the right with my Auntie Beryl sitting next to her on the end of the row. Sadly, my Auntie Janet, sitting on the other side of my mum, is the only sister left living, and none of their husbands are with us any longer either. It was very rare that all six sisters got together so my mum always cherished this photo.

I try to keep upbeat. It's been quite hard over the last couple of years with my parent's illnesses and their subsequent deaths. The coronavirus and all the associated restrictions last year have been very trying but I've still put a brave face on everything. I have to admit though that I'm finding it very tough at the moment. It just seems that it's bad news after bad news. Obviously, family deaths are hard to deal with at the best of times, but we're back under new coronavirus restrictions again with the threat of more restrictions to come and it's all beginning to take it's toll. 

I miss Daniel and Jasmine. They live 200 miles away, which doesn't seem that far, but they may as well be at the other side of the world at the moment because the restrictions mean that we can't travel away from our immediate area, and even if we could, they're having to be extra cautious because Jasmine's classed as high risk so they're being very careful. I just wish they lived closer.

My mum and dad's deaths have hit me hard this Christmas, they've never been out of my thoughts. The grieving process is an ongoing thing and I suppose it will take a very long time until I come to the end of it.

When I'm feeling a bit down I try to get myself out for a walk as I truly believe that a change of scenery and some fresh air does wonders. It may not be a cure all but it can definitely lift the spirits. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to leave the house since before Christmas as I'm having some medical issues and this really hasn't helped my mood. I was supposed to be having an investigative procedure at the hospital today but that hasn't been possible which is making me feel even more down in the dumps. I should say here that it's nothing to worry about but I don't want to go into detail about it due to the personal nature.

I won't be able to attend my Auntie Beryl's funeral because there's still restrictions on numbers. It really is a sorry state of affairs.

Goodness, this really is a woe is me post, though I know that many of you have felt, or are still feeling, this way. I suppose it's only natural with the way things are. Who knows how long all this is going to go on for. I really need to start feeling more positive but that's easier said than done with everything that's going on at present. I'm never usually so downbeat but I suppose the saying 'at the end of your tether' really is true and I've just about reached mine. I do try to keep my blog positive but life isn't always a bed of roses and I suppose this post just reflects that.

30 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss Jo. You're not alone in feeling you're at the end of your tether, I used the phrase I'd hit rock bottom recently. What a lovely photo of your Mum and her sisters. Things will get better for all of us soon I'm sure. Take care xx

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  2. I'm so sorry about your auntie, Jo, it's been a bad time for you...me too, and coincidentally my mum and both her sisters all died within a year of each other. Their one remaining sibling, my uncle, isn't long for this world either, it'll be soon I expect. It's doubly hard when we can't go to funerals or see and hug our relatives. Sorry to hear about health problems, sounds like it could be a similar issue to the one I'm having. I'm scheduled for an op to deal with it on the 13th, but it remains to be seen whether it will actually go ahead. We just have to hope that the vaccines get rolled out as quickly as possible, so that life can return to some sense of normality. Hugs, Jo x

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  3. I have been telling myself the new year won't make any change, there is no new year new me, and it's helped, I don't feel so flat. Our test came back negative, so just bad colds or flu, but we are inside as hubby still has his boot on and can't walk far. I hope you can find joy in your everyday, it is there, just hiding behind the huge pile of continually bad stuff.

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  4. Oh, Jo, I'm so sorry to read this. I hope things feel better for you soon. I always thought the first lockdown was fairly "easy" to deal with as it was decent weather and we could get outside most of the time. I do think it feels worse now in the bleakness of winter. My thoughts are with you and your family right now.

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  5. we are all allowed "woe is me" posts. Look after yourself and have a {{{virtual hug}}} from me. You're having a very tough time.

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  6. It's always a struggle at times like this but it really will get better. It will never be as it once was but life will go on in a different way and you will have more happy times to come. Just hang in in there!

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  7. I wish I could give you a big hug Jo! I'm so sorry to hear about your Aunty and that dream was definitely a premonition but I think it also means that they are happy together and watching over you. Its so hard loosing loved ones and you have had more than your fair share just recently no wonder you are feeling down with that on top of everything else. We are here for you if you want to rant or let off steam please feel free, virtual hugs coming your way. xxx

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  8. Dear Jo
    I am so sorry to hear your sad news. It really has been a horrendous time for you and your family. I know it is a little trite, but 'it is OK not to be OK'. You need to grieve and come to terms with things and this takes time. Be kind to yourself. Of course, Covid is making everything worse at the moment. Going for a walk sounds like a really good idea - nature does help a lot.
    Best wishes
    Ellie

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  9. My thoughts are with you Jo. Yes it is so difficult to pay any respects in the current climate. Families are so spread out these days that attending funerals in this current lockdown is forbidden. My close friend lost her father New Years Day and she is having to travel to sort everything out.

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  10. My heartfelt sympathies both on the loss of your auntie and life in general at present. Like you I've tried to stay upbeat but certainly had a few wobbles. Take care. xx

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  11. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I think so many of us ARE getting to the end of our tether, as you said. Steve and I have gone through a lot of what you are going through now and I can attest, it is no fun at all.

    I didn't have great hopes about the vaccine administration here in the U.S. and all my suspicions have come true. It is a true and full mess fraught with political wrangling.

    I sure wish I could start 2021 with much optimism, but sadly, it is just not there.

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  12. Sorry that you are feeling down.I have been down all over the weekend but do find weekdays easier to cope with.My worry at the moment is that our daughter,Type 1 diabetic, is back teaching.We have 5 grandchildren and are so missing seeing them and having hugs.My problem is I don’t have any faith in what the government are saying about the roll out of the vaccine.My OH is vulnerable but according to the on line calculator it will be April or May when he gets vaccinated.
    I really am weary of all this.

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  13. so sorry that you're having such a crap time. vent as much as you like I think it always best to get it out. Hopefully when your health picks up you'll be able to get out a bit more, it sure helps me deal with crap !

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  14. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your Auntie Beryl. It's another upset for you. I hope that your health improves. The situation with the Covid is making everything so difficult especially travel and restrictions with gatherings. We miss seeing our loved ones. Our granddaughter had to attend a funeral for a best friend's father and it was upsetting. There was not enough room and she stood outside the building to pay her respects. Your blog friends are thinking of you Jo. Take care. xx Linda

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  15. JO, You have had a lot of very close people that you love, leave in a very short time. Are you eating ok? Are you sleeping okay? Please watch patterns and ask for a good doctor who can help you or a therapist. During Covid, here in the US , our insurance company is not charging during covid for psychiatric or counseling care.
    I have no magic words. I am watching , though, Joe Biden our President Elect, and he has had so much loss. He says the empty chair is always there, but it gets different with time. Continue to tell us how you are if you wish. This community is so sweet. I'll make a snow angel just for you to help you out tomorrow.

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    1. Thank you. Yes, I'm eating okay but sleeping is hit and miss, that's nothing new though. It's hard enough to get to talk to a doctor at the moment, let alone see one. All appointments are being conducted on the telephone. I know how I'm feeling will pass, it's just everything coming on top of one another at the moment.

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  16. I am sorry to read about the loss of your Auntie, my condolences.

    Life at the moment certainly isn't easy.
    One of our sons phoned earlier this evening saying that Grand-daughter had gone up to bed expecting to go to school tomorrow (Tuesday) and now of course Boris has announced that England is on lockdown so no school until mid February! I think her mum went up to tell her school had been cancelled and home learning would be in place. She was probably pleased to think she would be at home while also dis-appointed not to be at school with her class friends and teachers.

    We are all doing our best to stay positive and upbeat but at times it isn't easy.

    Sending my good wishes, and hoping your health problems sort themselves out soon.
    2021 will get better, I really do believe it will :)

    All the best Jan

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  17. Jo, not saying much here, but I've had to find my hankie. Talk soon, take care, stay safe and huggles

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  18. I'm so sorry to read this, Jo. X

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  19. It's relentless, one bad thing after the other, no wonder you're feeling down. So sorry to hear about your Auntie Beryl. Getting out and looking for green shoots is definitely the way forward when you can. x

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  20. Oh Jo, I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your aunt. It is one thing after another for you and I really feel for you. Horrible that you can't even go to the funeral. I hope your health issues are resolved soon and I totally get how you miss your children, my daughter lives a two minute walk away, how I would hate it if I hadn't seen much of her this last year. Please always tell it as it is, it's your blog! Life is often hard and sad events often come in bus loads. Huge hugs to you.xxxxx

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  21. P.s, how strange about that dream!xxx

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  22. Jo, be easy on yourself my friend. The loss of your parents is bad enough, especially around the holidays but now to lose a wonderful Aunt, well it is just too much. Give yourself time to grieve their losses but also loss of freedom and the loss of seeing your children. Stay safe.

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  23. Oh Jo, I am so sorry to hear such sad news. You really have been through the wringer and I think that most of us would be similarly "in the dumps" in your situation. In your situation, I think it would be worrisome if you didn't feel down. You should feel what you feel - and feel no guilt about doing so. Thinking of you XO

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  24. I'm so sorry for your loss. The times we're in just make everything worse, don't they? Are you able to watch the funeral online? We did that for those who couldn't attend my Grandad's funeral.

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    1. No, we can't watch online. That's such a good idea but it seems only certain areas offer it. We couldn't do that at my dad's funeral either.

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  25. Jo, I'm so sorry to hear you're felling like this, and my condolences on your Auntie Beryl.
    It's no wonder that you feel down, it's a process and one that needs to play out in order for you to come out the other side, and you will come out the other side, you will feel better. Take care or yourself, be kind to yourself, do whatever it is you need to do to get through.
    xx

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  26. I am so sorry about the loss of your auntie. You have every right to be feeling down. You will always miss those who are gone but if you hold on to your memories they will get you through the rough times. ((hugs))

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  27. Oh Jo, what a grim time you and your family are having. Sometimes you must feel quite overwhelmed. I once heard David Jacobs talking on the radio about the death of his son, who died of cancer when he was in his thirties. David said that the wound of grief never heals, you simply learn how to live with it over time. I have found this useful and I hope you do, too. It's OK to miss your parents and your aunt, don't try to get over it to please other people, take your own time and do it your own way. I feel your pain over Daniel and Jasmine too - my daughter lives 300 miles away on Guernsey but as she says, she might as well be in Australia. Thank goodness for modern technology, at least we can video call each other. Take care. x

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