Monday 14 December 2020

Six Months Without My Dad

It's six months today since my dad died and I've found it very hard to come to terms with. I think his death coming just seventeen months after we lost my mum has made it even harder to deal with.

Looking back, I think the death of my mum hit me in a different way, basically because my dad was still here and needed my help and support with day to day things. It made me put my own grief to one side in order to support him. It's very hard to explain but I also think I'd come to terms with losing her once already to dementia, so although I was still devastated, I'd dealt with my grief already to some extent.

My dad was taken into hospital at the peak of the coronavirus pandemic during lockdown and we weren't allowed to visit him in hospital for the first week of his stay. He was poorly when he was taken in though he was still aware and alert, but during that first week I received a phone call from him which was heartbreaking. He was speaking very child-like, we'd been told that he was suffering from delirium, and he told me he didn't think he'd be coming out again and that he didn't believe he'd ever see me again. The hardest thing after receiving a call like this was the fact that I was unable to go in and see him. I still think about this call all the time. It was like he was pleading with me to help him.

After he'd been in hospital a week we received a phone call from the consultant asking us to meet him. We were told that my dad didn't seem to be getting any better but they were still treating him and they were still hoping to see an improvement. I was allowed to go in and see him for ten minutes which I was so grateful for. I could see he was in a lot of pain and it was difficult for him to talk but he was able to make himself understood. I knew it didn't look good so I made sure that I told him I loved him and we said our goodbyes as I didn't know if I'd get to see him again.

Four days later we were asked to go in and see the consultant again. This time they basically told us that the treatment wasn't working and that it was now just a matter of time. We were allowed to visit whenever we wanted from here on in but only one person by his bedside at once, though this was relaxed and two of us were allowed to visit together in his final couple of days. In just those four days between us meeting with the consultant he'd deteriorated so much that he could no longer speak, although he was trying to. One of the things that haunts me now is that I know he wanted to say something but I don't know what it was. He was also in so much pain. They kept dosing him up with painkillers but they didn't seem to touch him. I was willing him to die just to get out of the pain. 

It was another five days before my dad eventually passed away and it was a relief at the end, he'd suffered so much and it was a terrible death.

We couldn't have the funeral we wanted, we were allowed just ten people at the crematorium and no gathering afterwards. We all had to sit separately in the crematorium, even those from the same household were made to sit apart. I found this so hard, I couldn't even comfort Eleanor who cried through the whole service. There are still restrictions now on the number of people who are allowed at funerals. We'll have some sort of gathering in the future when we're allowed, to celebrate my dad's life. The one thing he'd want is for us to raise a glass to him and he'd be put out if that didn't happen! Hopefully we'll be able to organise something in 2021.

We've spent a lot of time dealing with my dad's affairs since his death and this continues now. Mick's the executor and he's spent an awful lot of time sorting things out. My dad left a will, a couple of bank accounts and his flat and it's all quite straightforward and yet we've had so much paperwork to deal with, goodness knows what it's like for the relatives of those with more complicated estates.

My dad's death has been a very different experience than that of my mum's, mainly because of how he died, I can't think of anything other than the pain he suffered. His death has also brought the loss of my mum to the fore again and I think of them both so very often, especially so at the moment. I'm not sure what it is but Christmas does seem to bring our loved ones who are no longer with us to the forefront of our minds.

Time is a funny thing, it doesn't seem nearly twenty months since my mum died yet it seems much longer than six months since my dad died. Our lives have changed dramatically in this time, we used to be visiting umpteen times a day and doing such a lot for him that it took up a great deal of time and in a way there's now an emptiness there.

We've had a hard couple of years, I know the thing most people will remember 2020 for is coronavirus, for me it will be the loss of my dad, and 2019 the loss of my mum, but we have to remember that it hasn't all been bad. We've had celebrations too in 2020 with Eleanor and Jacob's engagement and this reminds us that for all the sadness and despair, life does go on, time stretches out ahead of us and the future is to be lived.

28 comments:

  1. My mum passed 15 years ago, and I miss her every day, I talk to her when my anxiety levels are high, I'm not mad I still need to feel close to her.

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  2. Your post was heartbreaking to read Jo. Sending my love and sympathy to you x

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  3. I was the same, when I lost my mum I was so concerned with helping my dad and them when he died it was harder in some ways. I just don't enjoy Christmas any more as many of the people we shared it with are no longer with us. Also lots of bad things seem to happen to us over the Christmas period. My mum died, over 30 years ago and my dad over 20 but often it still feels raw. It must have been so hard for you not to be allowed to visit when your dad was still able to communicate.

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  4. I know how you feel. I lost my Dad when I was 27 and he was put in a mental hospital because they said he was imagining his pains. 2 weeks before he died they realized that he was genuinely ill and moved him to hospital, he had pancreatic cancer. Since then I have had no faith in Doctors.
    This so called pandemic makes me hopping mad and to think that you were denied seeing your Dad in hospital makes me even madder. I have my doubts about this whole thing and the rules are cruel and obviously made by a government that has no feeling for the people. Yes there was a flu going around that was bad news for some people but there is more than meets the eye here.
    Putting your feeling down will help but grieving takes time. You will gradually feel better.
    Your Mum and Dad would hate to think of you being miserable over their parting, think of it that way. You did all you could for them and they knew that.
    I have an email on my blog, if you want to offload please feel free to write.
    Lots of love
    Briony
    x

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  5. There are no words Jo that I could use to comfort you but I am sending you a virtual hug in the hope that it may help. Take care.

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  6. I am so sorry for your losses. To watch a loved one suffer is so difficult. You are in my thoughts.

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  7. A heartfelt post which I certainly empathise with. Twice in the past I've had similar periods, although thankfully nowhere near as difficult as this year which has had the added complication of coronavirus. Take care. xx

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  8. What an awful time your family has had over the last 20 months, being emotionally pulled in all directions. Christmas makes it all seem worse as it's a time you all enjoyed together, still you'll have to get all the old photos out and remember the good times. x

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  9. I really don’t know what to say.I am sure it has helped you to write all your feelings down.Would it help to make a memory box.Think of all the lovely times you had with your parents.Write them down and whenever you are feeling down pull one out.Build up a really positive picture.Share it with Mick and the children.They could add to it as well.
    Also,think what your Dad would be saying to you now.Would he want you to be down or would he want you to be remembering happy times.I think I know the answer to that.
    You have exciting times ahead with Eleanor getting engaged.You are obviously in a happy and supportive marriage.
    Finally, these are dreadful times we are all going through,unprecedented.I have days when I feel really down.It is ok to let it all come out.
    Take care.Love Barbarax

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  10. It may be trite, but it really is OK not to be OK. It has been such a horrible time for you all. I hope next year will bring happier times.
    Best wishes
    Ellie

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  11. Aw Jo I'm crying as I read this, it was a terribly traumatic time for you that's why it sticks in your mind so much. Christmas time is hard when our loved ones are no longer with us we can't help but remember and miss them so much. Sending hugs and lots of love. Xx

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  12. Sending you a virtual hug.

    All the best Jan

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  13. Sending hugs your way, Jo.

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  14. Oh goodness Jo, you have me sobbing here. How I feel for you and how you have suffered. I understand wanting to see a parent die to end the suffering and how things replay afterwards. Christmas is always hard without loved ones, I hope you have a good one, and remember happy times with your parents. That love never dies. Yes, we have to keep going and you have so many wonderful things to look forward too. I'm giving you a huge hug and permission to feel exactly how you feel. Time helps. xxxxx

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  15. A truly heartbreaking post Jo, it's brought a lump to my throat. I lost both my parents exactly a month apart fifteen years ago, with my dad it was expected as he'd not been well for a while but my mum's death was so sudden and unexpected that it was a total shock. I can remember both instances as if it was yesterday but at least I can think of them now without getting upset. The first few Christmases without our loved ones aren't good but they do get easier with time x

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  16. Grief is so strong, it pops up even when we think we are OK with a loss. It finds its way. Or it has for me. I could not be with my own mother as she died, not because of the sake of the rest of humanity, but because my bullying father wouldnt let me. I am sorry that your father who clearly lovedyou, wanted to tell you something, but could not . How beautiful that in all that pain, he tried!!!!! Ive seen patients suffer and they amaze me when they do as your dad did They want to comfort YOU, and they are the suffering. Hugs to you. Losing family is so hardd

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  17. oh dear girl, such a very sad time you've been having. Covid has been the most terrible thing in so many ways. I really do feel for you. The way he died is an extra burden to bear. My best friend died on Saturday, after being diagnosed with cancer just 6 weeks ago. Like you with your Dad I tried to be there for her, to help her and show she was loved. The grief is huge. Sending you my love Jo, we need to take comfort in our family now.

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  18. You have been through a tough couple of years, Jo. First Christmases without loved ones are so very hard, and this year, no doubt will be even more difficult because of the present circumstances. Sending love. X

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  19. Just catching up due to i'net problems & I've found your post quite moving, very thought provoking & it makes me think just how much parents are missed once gone. Sending lots of hugs. Take care & stay safe.

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  20. I am so very sorry, grief is so hard and takes so many forms and can hit us at the least expected moments and just catches us out. It is good that you can share it and talk about your dad as it will help you to heal, never to forget but to live with it. Sending virtual hugs from afar x

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  21. Dear Jo, what a very difficult time you and your family have been through. I'm so sorry for your losses in such a short period of time. The grief you are experiencing is hard to bear. My Mum died on a Christmas Eve and I don't find this time of year easy or the memories of hospital at that time. The same for my dear Dad's last days in hospital. I send you a virtual hug and continue to think of you.

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  22. *Hugs*

    We lost my Grandad in September, a week after his 95th birthday. We were allowed 15 at the crematorium and thankfully we were told we could move the chairs together into our family groups. It's a tough one this year.

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  23. I know you have been through some heart breaking times recently and of course you are still going to think about these things, especially about how it was with your dad but I'm sure both of your parents would want you to be happy and think of the happier times. Sending hugs xx

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  24. Oh Jo - you and your family have been through more than your fair share of suffering this past couple of years. While time does heal, such losses are forever a part of us. Thinking of you, my dear friend XO

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  25. Sorry for the loss of your Dad.
    Remember the good times, the happy times, the times you laughed and smiled together.
    Take care

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  26. Jo, what a rough time you have had over the last couple of years! I don't have any words to make you feel better, but I wish I did. Your sadness is palpable. In the year when my husband's best friend was killed I thought I'd never get through Christmas, I really resented the happiness and sparkle all around me, but somebody told me that it would only last for a couple of days and that I would get through it, which I did, although my grief last much longer (and still remains). You will get through these days, time will march on, your grief will always be there but you will have happiness too, and it is evident that you have love. Take care. x

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  27. Oh, No, my heart goes out to you. I can identify because I had a similar experience to my first husband's death. We had thirty five years of marriage but the last few are forever engraved on my mind. But you are right, life is to be lived and we must push forward with faith, love and hope for the future. Take good care of yourself.💖

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