Tuesday 23 April 2019

Up Days And Down Days

I've been having some up days and some down days since my mum died, which I suppose is only natural. The first week or so was very hard with the organisation of the funeral, and everything that has to be done when someone dies, left mainly to Mick and myself. My dad isn't in the best of health and with the added grief on top it's been very difficult for him, so we've been spending as much time as we can with him on top of everything else.

Mum as a little girl. This is the earliest photo I have of her.
I was so pleased to see Eleanor when she arrived home from university for the Easter holidays. She had been home for a week before Daniel and Jasmine arrived for a further week, a trip which was organised before my mum died but actually worked out well as we had the funeral on the Monday of that week. Getting everyone home for the funeral was one less thing to worry about as everyone was already here. It was nice to have a full house for nearly a week after the funeral, it gave me less time to sit and brood, though this is the time when the grief really hit home.

Mum (on the left) in her teens with her friend.
The funeral itself went as well as these things can. I've always known that my mum was such a special person but it's been so moving to hear from other people how she touched their lives with her kindness and caring nature, a sentiment which I've heard over and over again these past few weeks. She went out of her way to help others, especially through hard times in their lives and also at times when my mum was having a difficult time herself. We will shortly be scattering her ashes with my sister who died twenty years ago this coming July, they would have wanted to be together.

Mum and Dad shortly after they'd met.
I'd like to thank everyone for their kind and touching comments on my last post, and especially for the many wonderful cards and emails I've received from many of you, they're so very much appreciated. To know that you're being thought about at times like these helps in a way I can't explain, it's like the grief is being shared in a way. Each message I've received has been very special to me and I can't thank you enough.

Mum with Daniel twenty four years ago.
My mum was knocked out with a cocktail of drugs before she died but not long before she passed away she did come round sufficiently to tell us all that she loved us and we were able to tell her that we loved her too, I'm very grateful for that. Life now will never be the same again, she will be missed so much until the day I die, she's left a hole that will never be filled. Mums are very special people and mine was the best, it's so hard knowing that I'll never see her again, I think that's the hardest thing to come to terms with.

Mum loved her holidays abroad with us.
Daniel and Jasmine left on Sunday and Eleanor's gone back to university today. Mick's taken quite a bit of time off work since my mum died, his company have been brilliant allowing him to spend time with me, sometimes working from home but more often than not doing things which needed to be done and being on comforting duty, but he's also back to the old routine again now so this is where my life really starts without my mum. I know it's going to be very hard but I've got to try and get on with it in the best way I can, besides, I know that's what my mum would want.

46 comments:

  1. Dear, Jo. It'll be very hard for a long while and I know, like myself, you miss your mum so much. It'll be 8 years next month since my mum passed and I miss her everyday. I suffered a terrible breakdown due to her death, but since I began studying the bible with Jehovah's Witnesses I have a wonderful hope for the future where Mum and I will be reunited. I know this isn't for everyone and I hope time will heal your broken heart and you'll be left with wonderful, happy memories, Love, Jane x

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    1. I know that faith can really help some people, hope that we will be reunited is a reason to go on. I'm pleased that your bible study has helped you. I have lots of happy memories of my mum, they're just very raw at the moment but I know in time they'll be the things which bring me happiness.

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  2. What a difficult time for you.I lost my mum when I was 24 and always feel I missed so much.She never met my children.My two closest friends lost their mums when they were in their eighties and the grief was awful.They are fine now and can talk about it.I think you should think about your mum looking down on you and how she would want you to be.Have you thought about making a memory jar.All the family write some special things/memories of your mum and when you are feeling down you pull one out and read it.It helps you writing these special things too.
    I really feel for you and it is difficult to know what to say.Barbarax

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    1. Losing your mum at such a young age must have been terrible. My mum was 84 and it's still very hard, you never feel as though you've had all the time you should have together, but I know that she lived a full, long life and for that I'm very grateful. I think the memory jar is a lovely idea. I know it's hard knowing what to say in these situations but believe me when I say that I appreciate all the wonderful comments I've had on my last couple of posts, just knowing that someone is thinking of you or taking the time to leave a comment helps so much so thank you.

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  3. Oh Jo, I've thought about you often over the last few weeks and hoped that you were doing ok. Things will be different now for sure but it sounds as though you have some wonderful memories of your mum. I do hope your dad is alright, and it's good that you have both had Mick to help you through it.
    Best wishes and hugs to you xx

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    1. My dad is doing remarkably well. He has his up and down days, as we all do, but he's always been very independent, even at the age of 86 as he is now, and though he can't get about as well as he used to he's still managing to cook his own meals and do his own washing. We do his shopping and I do the ironing and he has cleaners in now to help a bit but he won't give up that last bit of independence while he can still manage. I'm spending more time with him since my mum died and we're trying to get him out a bit so that he's not sitting in the house and dwelling on things. Thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts.

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  4. Thank you for leaving a message on my blog today, Jo. I can only imagine a little from my own experience how difficult these last weeks have been for you and your family in the loss of a much-loved Mum, Mother-in-Law and Grandmother. Blog friends get to know one another's family and we feel for your loss too, although it can never be the same as what you're all going through at the moment. Continuing to think of you all as you care for one another and especially your Dad. Thank you for sharing the photos and loving thoughts about your Mum's life. So glad you have the support of a lovely family.

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    1. I know from experience how grief can last for many years so I don't expect things to get any easier for a while yet, it's still very early days, but it's good to try and get back to some kind of normality when I feel able. I find that distractions are good, it's the times when I'm sat not doing very much when my mind wanders and the emotion overtakes me so I'm trying to keep busy. You're right about blog friends getting to know each other's family, each post is like a little glimpse into one another's lives so we do feel connected to what is going on. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.

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  5. Arh bless you Jo, thank you for sharing your photos of your dear Mum. I've been thinking about you recently since you shared your sad news. I do hope you find peace in the days and weeks ahead, particularly as life goes on around you, often at too fast a pace. Sending love, take care. Cathy x

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    1. Many thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. Yes, that pace is a problem at times when we'd rather life slow down a little, though I'm taking things at my own speed at the moment. I enjoyed going through the photo albums yesterday choosing some photos to include in the post, though I don't have nearly as many of my mum as I'd like, she always hated having her photo taken, much like me.

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  6. Wasn't your mum an adorable toddler!!! Now she has a very, VERY special place in your heart.

    Hugs, sweet friend.

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    1. My mum was a gorgeous toddler, I wish I had more photos of her as a child. She was the fifth of eleven children so there were lots more after her. Yes, she will always have a very special place in my heart.

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  7. Your Mum sounds like a very special lady. At this point grief hurts, but in time you'll be able to think of her fondly and with a smile. I hope that time doesn't take too long to arrive.
    Take care and take one day at a time.
    xx

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    1. My mum was kind, generous and loving and I can't remember her ever falling out with anyone. She helped so many people in her life, she was one of life's nurturers. The grief is raw at the moment but I have so many happy memories to look back on which I shall treasure.

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  8. A heartfelt post, and one I empathise with. Take care. xx

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    1. I know that many people have been where I'm at now and many will still go through it. It's the natural order of life (and death), it's just so blooming difficult.

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  9. You have some wonderful memories of your mum and it's lovely of you to share them with us. She sounds like a very special lady who was well thought of by many.
    I hope you and your family are able to take time to grieve whilst slowly navigating your way towards a new normal.
    Much love. X

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    1. The cards I've received sharing special memories and the comments which have been made to me about my mum since she died have gladdened my heart. I knew my mum was very special but to hear others say that too is something else. We'll all miss her terribly so it's finding that new way of life now without her.

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  10. I'm very glad that you had so much support during the past few weeks. When my dad passed away, a lot of my mind space was taken up by the flurry of activity leading up to the funeral. When things quieted down after the funeral, however, things really started to sink in. Do take your time - as you mention, healing is not linear, but a series of ups and downs. In time, the ups will outweigh the downs but I don't think many of us ever fully recover from this type of loss. XO

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    1. I never realised just how much there is to do when someone dies, my dad would never have coped with it all on his own but Mick's been brilliant and dealt with most of it. I was quite glad of the distraction leading up to the funeral but, as you say, afterwards, that's when everything starts to sink in. I think you're right, we never get over a great loss such as this, I know this from losing my sister nearly twenty years ago, but I do know that life goes on and we learn to live with things. I was so glad to get to speak to my mum before she died, some people aren't so lucky, so we said everything that needed to be said and I know she'd want me to go on and live my life, though that's very hard at the moment.

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  11. Such a lovely post with beautiful photos. I'm hoping your Dad will manage as when my Dad died, it became apparent that Mum and Dad had compensated for each other and had worked as a team and things were quite difficult when there was just the one. I'm so glad the funeral went well, Take care x

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    1. I know exactly what you mean about one compensating for the other. If it had been the other way around my mum wouldn't have coped at all, she was suffering from dementia which was getting gradually worse and there's no way she would have been able to look after herself so decisions would have had to be made. As it is, my dad is doing really well at the moment but I know so many couples where one dies and there's a rapid decline in the other so we're very aware of what to watch out for. The funeral service was lovely and my mum got the send off that she deserved.

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  12. I'm sorry to read of the death of your mum. I left a comment on your last post, but have discovered that comments left with my phone don't show up. It sounds as though you were blessed with a wonderful mum, and when the grief is less raw, I hope you will be able to remember her with a smile for what you had, rather than the pain and tears of what you have lost.

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    1. Thank you. I know only too well about comments going missing so don't worry about that, I think it's happened to us all. I think that's the key, remembering exactly what you've experienced when you've had such a wonderful family member and how lucky you've been to have them in your life rather than mourning their loss. I know that's what my mum would have wanted.

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  13. Such a lovely post, even after 13 years, I sadly still miss my mum, but I can tell you your mum will always be in your heart, she has not left you, often I smile at things we share and loved. Time does heal, as does family. Be kind to yourself and feel how you feel, knowing you have a loving family beside you.

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    1. I think the hardest thing is knowing that I'll never see my mum again. It's quite overwhelming at times but I know she wouldn't want me to be sad. Of course it's natural to be so at the moment but I know in time that I'll be able to look back at the happy memories and smile.

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  14. My mum died before my dad and to be honest I guess one of the things that kept me going was worrying about him. I still miss my mum who died 31 years ago and dad who died six years later. You don’t feel like the same person do you?

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    1. Oh my, they both must have died young, that's even harder in some ways. I know what you mean about the worry about your dad keeping you going. I'm trying to put a brave face on everything for the sake of my dad, and though he too has his up days and his down days, he's doing remarkably well. I do feel like a changed person without my mum here, even though she'd changed quite a bit over the last few years because of her dementia, I still had my mum. It's a weird feeling when you know they're no longer here.

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  15. I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your dear mother. It's a difficult time when you need to grieve while supporting your father too. Thinking of you and your family. Take care.

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    1. Thank you. I think being strong for my dad at the moment is helping me cope, I like my mind to be occupied otherwise it wanders to places I don't want to allow myself to go. I know this is my coping mechanism but it's helping my dad at the moment too.

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  16. Such a beautiful post Jo & I'm really feeling for you. I've been hanging off emailing or phoning till I thought all the bigger things were out of the way. Life isn't ever normal, as we don't know when & what will ever happen in the days, months or years ahead,(good, exciting or bad), so it's baby steps for a while, then one day at a time to fill our days productively. Big huggles & take care.

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    1. I've learnt over these last few years that to have life plodding along on an even keel is the thing to strive for. We look for excitement in our younger years but for things to be running along smoothly is good enough for me these days. Everything seems all over the place at the moment but I'm sure it'll settle down again in time.

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  17. My dear Jo, I hope with the passing days that you can think of mum with a smile on your face and you and dad can chat about the wonderful times and enjoy the memories you both hold dear and share as you spend more time together.
    Love and blessings to you and the family xx

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    1. It's very hard at the moment to think past the last couple of days of my mum's life, they're memories I really want to block out, but I know in time I'll be able to remember my mum as I want to. The last photo above shows my mum as she really was, someone who enjoyed life with a smile, and that's how I shall remember her.

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  18. Im so sorry. Life without our moms' takes some really getting used to. I talk to my mom all the time. I feel her presence some days. Big hugs to you

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    1. Thank you. I think the best way to keep our loved ones alive is to talk to and about them and remember them. I know being without my mum will take a lot of getting used to.

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  19. Lovely to have your photos and of course memories, such a difficult, sad time. Each day will be different but when it´s a down day, reflection and lots of tlc for yourself too. Little by little, look for some positives in each day and as you say talking about your Mum will help you and your Dad. Great that your Dad is still able/wanting to cook, but have you thought of using the Wiltshire Farm foods service? Perhaps for those days when he can´t be asked. We introduced MIL, she finds them very helpful, good service and a wide choice of meals that are not huge and doesn´t swamp her, she has a weekly delivery and they even put it all away in the freezer. Just a thought, take care xcx

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    1. It's so weird when I wake up each morning not knowing what the day will bring, whether it's a day I'll get through and cope with or one where I'm very down. There's no rhyme nor reason to my emotions at the moment. I know my dad's had the Wiltshire Farm Foods brochure through the door and looked at it a few times but we do his shopping for him and I make sure he has some ready meals in the fridge and freezer for the days he wants something quick. He's suffering quite badly with arthritis in his hands now so he's struggling with peeling potatoes so we've just discovered some ready prepared ones which you can buy, and of course, he comes round here for a meal some nights too.

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  20. Your mum looks so pretty when she was teen... and the last photo shown that she looks happy and healthy...

    Have a wonderful day

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    1. My mum hated having her photo taken so I'm wishing that we had more of her now, but I love that last photo of her taken on one of our holidays abroad, it's caught her just as she was, happy, smiling and relaxed.

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  21. Jo~ I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I was relating as I read your post. Lost my mom in Jan and I have been struggling so hard since. My balance seems to be off and everything else seems to be hitting me for the last few months. Nothing goes right, I drop things all the time and I can't seem to locate who I was before I lost her. My heart goes out to you. I did want to thank you for jumping over to my blog and leaving a comment. Please join us again over there anytime.

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    1. Thank you. I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your mom this year too and that it's also hard for you. It's still very early days for us both and the way you describe your struggles at the moment sound very natural. It's such a huge thing to lose a mother and will take a very long time to come to terms with.

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  22. This is such a lovely post Jo, and so special to see the wonderful photographs of your Dear Mum.

    I lost my Dear Mum 11 years ago and it would have been her birthday over the Easter weekend … so I wished her a Happy Birthday to the lovely photograph that I have of her on our side-table.

    Mums are so special and they are always in our hearts. Time does heal, you never forget but it does become a little easier.

    Take each day at a time … some will be up, some will be down and others will be sort of ok. You have a wonderful and supportive husband and lovely children, be strong together as you take time to come to terms.

    Take care and my very good wishes.

    All the best Jan

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  23. I know that so many people have already been through what I'm going through now, and those who haven't can still understand. Mums are very special people and it's a big adjustment to life when they're no longer around but their memories will live with us forever.

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  24. Oh, such a beautiful tribute to your beautiful mother, I have tears in my eyes reading this. Mums are special and we will always have our memories although that doesn't help initially. You will have good and bad days, I just hope you heal and that the bad days grow less.Just be you, and go with how you feel. Huge hugs to you, how I feel for you.xxxxx

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    1. It's very difficult even thinking about the good times at the moment but I know how grief shifts over time, it's just a matter of waiting for that to happen. I had a brilliant mum, the best, and I'm so lucky to have had fifty wonderful years with her.

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